When life leads you to the truth

Last summer 2022 I found out that I had a trauma disorder called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). This knowledge came after a relationship abruptly and shockingly ended, launching a life changing period of deep soul healing and ongoing transformation. Sometimes we must be thrown into the most desperate of circumstances, to discover the truth about who we are and how we got to wherever we are in our lives.

My C-PTSD had come from spending decades in a cycle of toxic and abusive relationships, over and over again. I found a therapist to help me when my year long relationship began to turn into a repeat cycle that I recognised from years of abuse. Having got out of a very toxic long term relationship just a few years previously, I was hyper vigilant and sensitive to the signs of abuse. I had been horribly damaged by trauma and cognitive dissonance caused by repeated gaslighting and confusion. C-PTSD actually affects the chemistry of the brain and my therapist saw that my issues were clearly related to having this trauma disorder. Finding her has slowly but surely changed my life.

C-PTSD is very common in people who have suffered abuse over a long period of time. The abuse causes the trauma and the trauma itself continues the cycle. Trauma attracts trauma.

(If you are currently experiencing C-PTSD scroll to the very bottom of the page for 13 steps to emotional flashback management)

Unhealthy denial & coping strategies

Up until last summer I had managed myself fairly well, considering, and had created a mainly high functioning life. My lovely work has always been a joy; I have a  yoga retreat and therapy business that generates enough to sustain and provide stability for my lone parent family. My three children are amazing and continue to bring me great happiness and pure love. Romantic relationships, however, have been a complete disaster; some might say carnage….

C-PTSD survivors commonly struggle with boundaries, are chronic people pleasers, co-dependents, and fawners who struggle with reading others’ intentions or motives. We typically ignore red flags, we make excuses for others rather than expecting accountability. We allow ourselves to be treated horrendously until one day it gets so bad that we have no choice but to wake up, take responsibility and begin the journey to getting well and finding our inner source of power within.

My life earthquake

I call what happened last Summer Solstice 2022 my ‘Life Earthquake’. It came and shook me to the core and as everything around me and inside of me crumbled, I was left to search the rubble and find out why. I needed to take full responsibility for the shattered mess that my life had become. There was no rescue team coming, this was up to me and as I went into trauma regression, another strong part within me was determined that this had to stop.

My relationship ended abruptly and without warning. I was ghosted.  This came a few weeks before we were being evicted and moving in together, to a house I couldn’t afford on my own.

The shock was profound and took months to recover from. Last summer, after he got out of my car and walked off in the rain at the beach, I sat there for over an hour, staring at the sea through the rain covered windscreen. Unsure about what had just happened, stunned about how I’d just been treated by the man I had been convinced really did care about me. I was unable to think, move or even pick up my phone to call a friend for help. This was the beginning of the shock and devastation that would last for months.

A bravery came over me for a day or two, a resolve that I wasn’t going to let myself be treated badly again. Little did I know those first few days of courage would not last and I was about to nosedive into a four-month C-PTSD regression.

(A trauma regression is an extended period of the intense emotional flashbacks that characterise C-PTSD)

The reality of regression

During that time I managed to work but had to significantly cut back. Teaching yoga has always been a channelling of energetic source for me; a ‘space’ I go into, a place to access a higher source for my clients and yogis no matter what is occurring in my personal life. Thankfully, this continued to be the case throughout this traumatic healing time, and many people have commented on how surprised they were to learn what I was going through, as I continued to work, heal, and share. I call it love!

We were moving house in August and the shock was so enormous; it was such a struggle to get my head straight. I didn’t go into town once in that time, I didn’t step foot in a cafe, pub, or supermarket. I remember going into a shop with my daughter and having to leave and go back to the car. The C-PTSD symptoms made me agoraphobic for a long time.

As the trauma symptoms continued, so did the trauma triggers. For months the shocks and events surrounding this horrific break up continued. It was clear that my trauma was attracting trauma and would continue to do so until it was healed.

My ex used many classic abusive tactics as well as ‘stonewalling’ and ‘ghosting’, also called the ‘silent treatment’, after abandoning us.

During the last weeks of the relationship he’d ‘gaslighted’ and ‘manipulated’ me into believing his behavior was my fault. He’d raged, screamed and shouted at me and I’d struggled to comprehend what was happening,  looking back I can see how the shock of that mask falling off, affected me so badly.

Once he’d disappeared, (known as a ‘discard’ when you are no longer useful to an abusive person). He embarked on a ‘smear campaign’ to one of my closest friends at the time, he used his own ‘flying monkeys’ to abuse me further with cruel texts and he left me with 20K debt as I tried to salvage the plan to move into our rented home with my children. After 2 years of searching for a home, after being given our eviction notice in 2020, I was left with very little choice.

For months I didn’t share with any of my clients or yogis what had happened. I avoided some really good friends and my amazing reflexologist until November because I just couldn’t find the words to tell them what had happened. I knew they would also struggle with the news.

Adrenaline was pumping through my body continuously, I found various ways to lighten this, and I list them below for you. For those first four months, June to October, I was in a permanent state of extreme trauma which I can only describe as wanting to climb out of my body and get away from it. I did venture out to a lovely yoga event in September, but cried every time I saw anyone I knew, until a dear friend took me aside, sat me under a big willow tree hidden from the crowds, and let me cry until we transmuted it into laughter in the rain.

Just as I thought I was really getting better, in early 2023 I regressed into an intense six weeks of C-PTSD symptoms; I couldn’t be alone at night, my trauma responses became overwhelming. Friends and family were amazing and helped me cope, coming to stay in my cottage or putting me up for the night.

I’d been ignoring these feelings of despair for years, allowing myself to be treated so badly for so long. I’d never talked about it, not even to friends, hiding what was happening, pretending all was fine, making excuses to my children and myself. I’d allowed shame, guilt, and self-blame to build so profoundly that I’d locked myself out of my own heart and refused to feel the pain.

Until that day at the beach when he got out of the car, when I had to move a few weeks later with no explanation or understanding about where he’d gone, when it got so bad it was impossible to excuse. He was just another ‘he’, another version of the same man who had been abandoning, betraying, smearing, and abusing me for decades.

I realised it wasn’t about him per se, it was about life giving me exactly what I needed, to ensure I woke up and faced it all. This was now or never.

C-PTSD – My way out, not a way to stay stuck

I believe I am a very lucky person. I have beautiful, solid friends who I’ve known for decades, who have seen me through many ups and downs, and I feel incredibly loved. I have a supportive, kind family and parents who are always there for me.

For seven months after he left, not one day went by without someone getting in touch to ask how I was doing. I had a support team around me constantly checking in, who felt like a rock supporting me.

The fact that I am here today; healthy and well, writing this, is proof of how beautiful life can be and how privileged and grateful I am to be living it. If there is one thing I am certain of it is that I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. I am not a victim.

Finding out I had a trauma disorder was not a ‘get out free’ card for me. It wasn’t a way to give in and make excuses for poor choices and horrendous mistakes. There was no part of me that wanted to move on and declare to future partners that I had an issue, that I had no part in my behaviour. I wasn’t going to play the ‘poor me I’ve had an awful time, I can’t help it’ game, ever.

For me, finding out I had C-PTSD was a gateway to deeper healing. This was what I needed to better understand myself; to research, read, find experts, and commit to therapy. This was a way out for me, I was going to move forwards with this, not give up or stay stuck.

C-PTSD is not something I have, it is something I am recovering from, something I am healing from by doing the work. My true intention is to get to a place in the future where I do not suffer with C-PTSD, it is not something I intend to carry forward with me. It is my healer, not my truth.

It is my way out, not my way to stay stuck.

Tips to get through a day of C-PTSD

Last summer I had some wonderful, wise souls who helped and guided me, including my life-changing therapist.

One day at a time, one breath at a time….

Here is a list of a few practices that helped me in those early days, as I dealt with the shock of the breakup, packing up boxes and making huge decisions about finances and whether to move to our new cottage, or into storage. I am so grateful to everyone who helped me and stayed with me through that time, their guidance and wisdom was invaluable.

• Gather your good friends close – those who never judge you, who love you to pieces no matter what state you are in.

• Be prepared to retreat – hide and stay away from people, places and things that trigger you. This is about healing, not about keeping up appearances. If you need to go AWOL for a while those who care will still be there for you when you are ready.

• Cold water therapy – I have been swimming all year since last April and it has been a huge part of my healing. Sea swimming in December/January in the UK has been the most euphoric and deeply healing experience ever for me. It lifted me out of trauma over and over again last year and continues to be a huge part of my life now. I can’t tell you how good this will be for you!

• Dance – make a playlist of 3 songs, at least one really upbeat tune, maybe a dance/old school rave track. Set an alarm on your phone each day to remind you to dance. Stop whatever you are doing, shut the curtains, put on headphones and let it out, even if you end up in a heap on the floor, DANCE! Here is mine on Spotify

• Shake – shaking is a well-known way of releasing trauma from the body, do it once a day at least. You may not feel like doing anything as structured as yoga when your CPTSD is really bad, so shaking is a way to transmute the negative energy.

• Find a really amazing therapist – Internal Family Systems (IFS) is amazing and totally unlike regular counselling. Think Shamanic- Meditation-Talking therapy combined. Not all IFS therapists are trained Psychotherapists so think about what your needs are, I wasn’t comfortable with working with anyone who hadn’t had full training. Check the IFS directory and find someone that resonates for you

• Read Pete Walkers book C-PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving – his tools for emotional flashback management and understanding of the trauma spectrum ‘Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn’ is invaluable and life changing.

• Energy Healing – this is my work and my soul purpose here in this life, so I am lucky to know some incredible healers from around the world. Here is my top list of amazing healers (all work on online) who helped me through this journey:

• Adrian Lee – amazing Akashic Record Clearing, soul contracts, past lives…think miraculous! So glad I met this man!! The link will take you to his website.

• Corley Magnusson – beautiful rich healing energy and deeply wise guidance, Corley was with me all the way last year, I am not sure I could have done it without her support x email her at magnusson.corley@gmail.com

• Ho’oponopono – a Hawaiian practice for self-forgiveness, recognising the pain we cause ourselves by reliving traumatic memories over again and offering love, forgiveness, apology, and gratitude to the divine light within that wishes us to move forwards and feel well.

• Body work- massage & reflexology – your body needs to support to get itself back to balance. Body work will help to shift toxins that become stuck when you are flooded with adrenaline. You need help to regulate your nervous system which is completely knocked out.  My reflexologist who I am hugely grateful for Annabelle Turner based in Dorset

• Tinctures & Supplements – the adrenaline flood that comes with C-PTSD means you need to antidote.

• Vitamins are vital especially C, B and Omega oils.

• To sleep take Valerian tincture.

• CBD oil is amazing (I ended up having to take the more hardcore THC oil for a few months just to be able to rest for a few hours at night and anything is better than pharmaceuticals sleeping pills).

• Rescue remedy and Bach flower remedies Mimulus, Aspen and others suitable for your specific needs.

• Guided meditation & Yoga Nidra – it’s impossible to silence the mind when your symptoms are intense which means silent meditation could be re-triggering. YouTube is full of lovely trauma-sensitive meditations and distant healings that will support you.

• Nature & Prayer- trees are so healing and magnificent views are transformative. Sometimes all there is to do is get down and pray to the Divine for release and guidance.

• Sacred Sites – I love to sit in ancient churches, standing stones and energy portal sites, reminding us of our pasts and our ancestors.

There is much more, and I will share in another blog soon. My recovery journey is ongoing. I came out of the intense regression last October and continue to feel the healing lifting me further up and out every day.

Exploring the Dark to be of service to all

If you are a Lightworker, a Starseed, you are likely here to learn and evolve so that you can be of greater service to humanity. I believe that I have had these dark, challenging experiences in my life to learn from experience, so that I can truly and authentically know how to help others.

Some of us are not just Lightworkers, but LightDarkworkers; we came to work with Darkness too. I went into the darkest of places last year, I saw and sensed energy unlike anything in my life before – and I’ve been working with energy for over 20 years. I believe nothing happens to us that we can’t handle, so long as we stay strong and courageous.  I feel certain that what I faced and overcame has given me a true and authentic ability to understand the uncomfortable and unspoken energy of darkness, that humanity is being released from at this time on our planet.

I believe I have been ‘exploring’ dark energy in my life as part of my soul’s evolution. It can’t always be pretty and fluffy! I am sure that what I have been through has been an ‘initiation’ of some kind, a sacred rite to take the Heroes Journey within and discover my true self.

Since finding the courage to accept and flow with this journey, my energy healing has become dramatically more abundant. I am having incredible results with my clients and channelling a beautiful Light energy that is helping people in many profound ways. Clearing out and detoxing from the shadow and unprocessed parts of my soul have created a way-in for a beautiful new energetic flow of Light. I hope to be of greater service to the Divine and to humanity and help others heal.

Facing darkness I found Light, I found truth, and I found healing. I will never be afraid of the darkness again because it has been my healer and I am eternally grateful for it.

Divine Guidance

I had a dream last summer, in fact it was a nightmare. I was in my house and in every room I went into there was another shock, something jumped out from behind a door or from under the bed, it was terrifying. Amidst the fear there was a kind, Angelic voice that said, ‘We had to get you to here’. I woke up instantly understanding what those words meant. I had spent years limping through life trying to hold it all together; bringing up my children alone, dealing with ex’s and toxic relationships, aggressive men, abuse and trauma. Things had to get so bad that I couldn’t ignore it anymore; I had to nearly be homeless, nearly lose everything, nearly lose my mind, nearly not make it, before I finally made a decision to face it all and take full responsibility for allowing these situations and people into my life for so long.

The search party and rescue team never did arrive, but I found my own and continue to work with my own inner rescue warriors day by day as I heal. I hope you find yours too.

Love Saira xxx

For anyone currently suffering with Complex-PTSD symptoms I recommend seeking help from a trained Psychotherapist. This Flashback Management help guide from Pete Walker was invaluable to me during my 4 month intense regression last summer and I add it here as it might help you today:

13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS [Focus on Bold Print when flashback is active] Pete Walker, MFT [925 283 4575]

1. Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback”. Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
2. Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally– that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless – a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback]
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into ‘heady’ worrying, or numbing and spacing out. [a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. [Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain]
   [b] Breathe deeply and slowly. [Holding the breath also signals danger].
   [c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche’s panic button.
   [d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
   [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.
8. Resist the Inner Critic’s Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:
   [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self- criticism.
   [b] Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments
9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate – and then soothe – the child’s past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don’t let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn’t mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
13. Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un- adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback.

The Act of Contemplation

As the Earth steadily propels us towards an energy of awakening that deepens and transforms us day by day, is it time to focus not on definite truths and falsehoods that make up our reality, but on the possibilities that are unfolding before us?

So many are now questioning not only narratives of politics and the media, but the fundamentals of reality itself.

The persistent attempts to control our minds and our thoughts have spurred inquiries into far more than just the BBC news and Politics Today, the questions are now, is anything genuine? Is anything we’ve ever been told real? Are the history books works of fiction and do our origins as a race resemble anything close to what we absorbed through our education system?

To Awaken Satya, Truth

Where we stand now is inspiring. This phenomena  doesn’t represent people descending into madness or losing their rational  minds, this is us using our intellectual capacities to open up to infinite possibilities, boundless prospects and endless new ways to comprehend our world. This is a process of breaking out of the moulds and foundations set in during our early year childhood education, where probing and questioning our reality was not considered important or vital to our existence.

Understanding that where we stand now, it doesn’t matter what the truth is, the focus is on scrutinising the truth we’ve been given. We are firing up our brains neural connections and cognitive pathways, enabling our consciousness to expand. It doesn’t matter if the Earth is a sphere, flat, square or holographic. It doesn’t matter if Ancient Civilisations were advanced and in contact with celestial bodies, or if Antartica holds the key to extra-terrestrial existence,  what matters is the act of contemplating these mysteries. 

We can sit and look out at the horizon over the ocean, and wonder, releasing our clinging to certainties and instead becoming open to possibilities. 

A mystery, when approached with a curious mindset can be delicious, curiosity is powerful nourishment for the soul.

De-programming our perceptions

This is how we awaken, through the act of questioning the given. Trusting that all we know, is inadequate and that Satya, truth, rests in the hands of a higher power. When the knowledge we seek is ready to be bestowed on us, it will be. 

Its exciting that so many are now taking the time to ‘de-program’ themselves by disengaging from the media and television completely. Being cautious about the information sources that they allow into their impressionable minds. Instead finding an openness to explore without fear or judgement, to become inspired and exalted through expansion of the minds infinite possibilities and our human capabilities.

Svadaya

Svadaya, self-study, involves not simple accumulating facts and information, but stretching the muscle of the brain to expand its ability to think beyond what it is has been told to think. This is what true education and study is all about, not just an ingestion of knowledge and information, but an active enlargement of our minds scope, which enables us to welcome the infinite possibilities available  to us, allowing information from Divine Source to enter. 

In time, when we are ready, we will be enlightened to this mystery. It will come, perhaps in our lifetimes, perhaps not. Our only role is to remain receptive.

It was really lovely to be a part of the Dorset Leading Ladies feature in Dorset Magazine, that was apart of their honouring of women for International Women’s Day on 8th March 2023.

All contributors were asked, ‘what do you feel will be your great challenge for the year ahead?’

Mine certainly will be continuing to settle and reestablish both my business and family in Evershot, Dorset after the biggest and most stressful move/year of my life in 2022.

It was also a big and beautiful surprise to be featured in the Muddy Stiletoes article ’10 Dorset and Somerset women you need to know’ celebrating local women, also for International Women’s Day.

I was truly honoured indeed!!

Mellulah will be 12 years old this year in 2023! Its our birthday on 14th June, back in 2011 that was the day of the first ever Mellulah Yoga Retreat. I was just back from a silent retreat in Assisi, Italy and I had so much energy, inspiration and determination to create something beautiful back here in Dorset. I’m so happy to still be here offering what I love to you all.

Mellulah has been a completely organic creation. I never had a business plan, never had any money and never took the slightest risk. I was bringing up my three young children alone, back in 2011 they were 5, 7 and 12 years old, I had my hands full! But somehow, and I’m sure I have been receiving a lot of Divine assistance along the way, I managed to run up to 20 retreats a year, offer therapies and yoga classes during the week, teach Reiki courses, win all the amazing Dorset and South West Tourism Awards, a Muddy Stiletto award, continue my training and studying, most recently learning to play the gong and more.

Its been an incredible journey, that continues every day. I am so excited to see what comes now we have moved home and business to West Dorset, new energy, new people, new landscape to inspire and heal with, I am so looking forward to another 12 years at least!

Love Saira x

With our Yoga Zoom Fundraiser for Refuge approaching, its been on my mind to think about why so many women and their families suffer abuse from their partners. Can we work to bring healing to our ancestral abuse and trauma in our lifetimes?

I personally and professionally know so many women, currently trapped in an abusive relationship, having recently escaped one, or in recovery as a survivor of abuse and living with the subsequent trauma and anxiety that can ruin lives for decades.

I’m wondering how important it is, that we allow this issue to surface fully, express itself in all its darkness and ugliness and process our generational, ancestral pasts, in order to release  and heal this deep wound on the feminine and masculine energies.

Women have suffered so much abuse at the hands of husbands, partners, fathers, but also in their communities, through the church and political systems. Historically, the bruise on the Divine Feminine runs deep. 

Over the past decades much has changed, but domestic abuse is on the rise, its still an enormous problem no matter how equal our pay becomes, how aware our children become, or how politically correct our media tries to become. Women are still suffering in their own homes everyday and much of it is hidden, in the shadow and dark, ensuring that we don’t have to look.

Isn’t it time we did?

Domestic abuse is an age old problem that has never gone away. Its a little less taboo nowadays, certainly only a few decades ago, domestic abuse was seen, even by the police, as a private matter between partners and not for anyone else, certainly not any authority to intervene or help with.

There is still a residue of belief, that matters between couples are not for anyone else to be involved in. Its time we changed that, women need help and support and we need to offer it. If a man mistreats a woman, its up to all of us to take his energy in hand and not turn away blindly. It does have something to do with us, every woman needs to support every woman, men also need to step up and speak up, declaring their judgement over men who are abusive.

For centuries, women have suffered in silence, afraid to speak up because of the very real fear of retribution from a partner and the very real fear of having themselves and their reputation destroyed in their community, their family and their friends. The fear that no one would believe them was real, the fear that they would be told it was their fault was real.

How much has really changed?

Once, women would have been trapped in an abusive marriage due to financial impoverishment if they left, trying to leave could have meant homelessness and destitution for their family. This is still the case for many women, but thankfully there is now a way out for women who are able to work independently, can save money secretly, or be supported by the benefits system and housing to escape. 

How much is shame still an issue? How many women are prepared to stand up and speak out about what has happened to them?

I feel very few. Its very hard for an abused woman,  to even begin to recognise what has happened to her, admitting it to herself is hugely traumatic.

Facing the fact that the man she loved has turned on her, is devastating. Whether its physical violence, emotional abuse, psychological torture, abandonment,  or the use of ‘flying monkeys’ to destroy her after the relationship has ended, admitting the abuse has been  real, rising out of gaslighting that wore her into believing it was all her fault, is exhausting and takes huge mental strength. To then try to also admit that to family, friends or the wider world might be pushing any woman in that state of torment, too far. 

Women don’t speak up, they don’t stand up, we need to try to change this in order to heal and bring our wounding to light.

So much remains hidden.

If a woman does start to unravel from the full nightmare of what has happened to her and does choose to speak out, its then a lottery to whether anyone will believe her.

Isn’t it insane to think, that a woman who confides in her friends and loved ones and starts to admit and talk about her abuse, might then be dismissed or even accused of playing a victim or lying? But this happens all the time to women across the UK and around the world.

Similarly, to how so many sexual assault victims are accused of trying to ruin a man, leaving women afraid to speak out for fear of such hideous accusations.

The old, misogynistic idea that women lie to get attention, to distort and push away blame, or to ruin a man, holds us back in ever being able to drag this ugly truth out into light for healing.

The charity Refuge use a tag line on their website – “We will listen. We will believe you”

The very fact a woman needs to be assured that someone will believe her, just goes to show how vital it is that we recognise how many women are afraid that they won’t be.

What can we do?

Certainly for me, I’m just one person, living in rural Dorset without a big social media presence or voice, I am sure if you are reading this, you are too! So how can we help?

Start with your neighbour, your friend or the woman in your family that you are worried about. 

Don’t enable an abuser, break the cycle of centuries of torment that women have suffered by the power and control used by some men in our society, by  no longer pretending that what they do is no problem, that you will carry on, behaving towards them, as if nothing has happened.

Don’t practice misogyny or internalised misogny. If we are going to change this cycle, we have to stand up for women, for each other. If a woman is a victim of abuse, she’s a victim, treat her as such, with support for her, even at the cost of making yourself look bad in front of the man who is abusing her, perhaps losing him from your life. Make it clear to an abuser that its not ok, have boundaries around them and their behaviour.

Enabling means to ‘give someone authority or the means to do something, make it possible for…’.

Don’t enable an abuser, this kind of shift in our society could make a difference as so much domestic abuse is carried out by men who are going about life as if nothing has happened. Men can go under the radar of the law, as so much abuse is impossible to be brought to justice, impossible to prove.

Domestic abuse against women, is like all other abuses towards our gender. We have to break the enabling cycle that its our fault, that we brought it upon ourselves, that we made it happen, that we attracted it. Just as a woman in a short skirt did not attract her late night attacker, so a woman who has been abused by her partner did not attract his bullying, its not her fault and in order to break this, we have to put this practice of blaming and shaming abused women, in any way, to an end once and for all.

There is so much work to do to heal this. This is just one of many steps that need to be taken to break this ancestral cycle. 

As with any healing that needs to happen, first we allow the issue to surface, drag it out of the shadow, face it, then we begin to heal. Everything here in this blog, all the ideas I suggest,  are a tiny step at the beginning of this healing journey we are on.

Perhaps step one could be to be a true mother to every woman, to treat every woman as she were our daughter and protect, comfort and support her as if she were our own.

Lets take step one

See link below to contact Refuge today if you are suffering with domestic abuse and need support

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 Give the gift of a blissful Holistic Therapy or Reiki Course
Treatments & courses available at
Tess Cottage, Evershot, Dorset with Saira

Give the gift of aYoga Class Pack, 5 week or 10 week packs for
Vinyasa Flow Yoga classes with Saira close to
Blandford, Dorchester  and Sherborne

Or just tell us an amount and we will send you a voucher for any monetary value for the recipient to spend as they wish £5 – 500! 

It’s so easy!! Payment for your gift voucher can be made with either:
Contact us to receive an payment link for online card payments – super quick or BACS to Mellulah 82611963 51-81-01 

Contact us to let us know which gift vouchers you would like and we will email it straight to you to print out! Instant Gift perfect for those last minute urgencies!

Alternatively just go right ahead and book a specific day or residential retreat with a deposit via Paypal and email us to ask for a voucher to be sent over.

Spoiling made easy, select gift vouchers for any Holistic Therapy, including heavenly Soul Replenish Massage £65, Chakra Massage £65, Reiki £40 or a blissful Back, Neck and Shoulder Massage £30.

Or perhaps a  Yoga Retreat, days and weekends available throughout the year from £50-£650.

Or buy a Yoga Class Pack or someone you know would love to join us for yoga in Hazelbury Bryan or Milborne St Andrew in Dorset.

We guarantee a delighted surprise and indulgent treat,
gift vouchers perfect for anyone and any occasion.

I wanted to share my story. Thousands of families all over the UK face homelessness and the issue has become unbelievable hard since the pandemic response created greater poverty and drove up house prices with high demand. As private landlords all over the country, kick out tenants to make greater profits using homes as holiday lets, I found myself joining the throng of desperate people trying to find a home.

My journey has led me to a place of surrender, a practice I share a lot in my work, so here is how I arrived at this place of non-doing, this is part one, I hope to share more as I move through.

11 months ago, after a decade living in our rented, family home in Milton Abbas, Dorset, my landlord gave us notice to move. That was September 2020, the craziest year on the planet so far. And here we are a year on, still in our home with no idea where or when we will be moving, literally awaiting eviction.

The shock of bad news

To say getting notice to leave was a shock would be an understatement, I’d recently spent thousands of pounds and endless hours renovating our rented cottage and was blissed out enjoying the results of creating my perfect home at last. It never crossed my mind that our landlord, who is also our neighbour and watched us working hard on the house during summer 2020, was also thinking that our days here were numbered.

He told me he wanted the house back as a holiday let. Here on the farm where we live, he has 13 holiday lets and he wanted our cottage back as the ‘flagship’ holiday cottage for his business. Our cute, quintessential, Dorset cob cottage, our home and where the children have spent a decade feeling settled and safe, now seen with another profit making pound sign over its head and a ready queue of holiday makers, keen to stay in the UK for the next few years as covid travel restrictions continue and the masses head to Dorset to increase the bank balances of holiday let owners across the South, but leave local families like us, out on their ear.

The initial shock was physical, that gut wrenching feeling when we get sudden bad news, feeling sick, faint, dry mouth, tears and exhaustion. Friends were lovely and rallied around with tea, meals and tissues, ringing everyone they could think of who might have a house to rent, somewhere close by. It became very clear, very quickly that houses were becoming extremely hard to find. Prices were rocketing within hours of becoming available, as Londoners, desperate to leave the city, were offering £100s over the asking price for rentals, landlords being offered 12 months rent in cash over the phone without even viewing a property.

On Rightmove that first night after that fateful news from my landlord, I found 2 potential properties and was told they had already gone when I called about them the next day. Day one of my continuing journey to try to find a home, set the scene for the complete void of homes for someone like me, to rent in our area, absolutely nothing.

Falling apart

I think we all remember those moments throughout our lives, when we hit breaking point and I may never forget those few days after receiving our marching orders and how it affected us all. I managed to hold my emotions in for a few days, not saying a word to the children and feeling determined to get myself to a stronger place inside, so that when I gave them the news, they’d see me feeling brave and know that they could do the same. But sadly I fell apart before I had time to gather my energies together. My youngest child, my teenage son Lenny and I, were cutting the grass the day after my initial shocking chat with our landlord.  I was getting frustrated with our decrepit mower, when Lenny asked me what was wrong as he could see I was struggling, I let go of the mower, fell with a bump to the ground and started crying, well, it was possibly more of a wail, ‘We’ve got to give the house back!’, he joined me in my heap and held me tight, sobbing with me in his shock and confusion. Sometimes we try our best to hold it together for our children, but sometimes its too much and its impossible to contain.

My situation is no different from any other single parent or low income family in England. Airbnb has caused thousands of private landlords to kick out their tenants and make a huge profit renting homes out to holiday makers. Its a real and shocking trend right across the country, but here in the South West, I fear we will soon be a giant holiday park, with very few real, local, families living in our picturesque area, due to the demand for holiday lets. My landlord doesn’t Airbnb his cottages and his business here has been established for over 20 years, but my cottage has been let out to tenants for decades and I am one of a huge and growing number of people who are finding it impossible to find a new home and now face homelessness.

Councils currently have year long waiting lists for families in crisis, estate agents need tenants to have an income 3 1/2 times the rental price to qualify or ask for rent to be paid upfront, with prices around here averaging £1300 for a modest 3 bedroom home, I currently pay £950, I’d need to be earning at least £54,600 a year or have £15,600 in savings, to stand a chance. Business is good at Mellulah, but I don’t do what I do for the massive income thats for sure!

My marriage ended in summer 2020 so I’m in a low income bracket, I was a lone parent when I rented my house in 2011 but back them my father was still working and he could guarantee my rent, he’s now retired so no longer qualifies as a guarantor.

Finding my inner lioness

So, it all looks pretty bleak and a bit depressing.

But I gave up being a victim a long time ago. There were many times in the past, bringing up my three children alone, broke, struggling with anxiety, abusive ex partners and in recovery from addiction, where the choice to remain in a victim mindset or become a warrior was clear. I don’t feel any self pity, it took me about four days, that first week to summon up my lioness energy and confront my landlord. I turned that sobbing wreck of a woman, lying on the grass next to the lawnmower with my son, into a fierce, protective, angry and determined warrior, who gave him hell outside on this front lawn until he agreed he’d behaved appallingly and gave us more time to find a home.

Little did we know last September, when we agreed that we could stay here until my middle daughter Mimi finished her A levels, that Winter 2020/21 would be such a disaster in continuous lockdown. In March 2021 I wrote to my landlord, asking him for patience, as my income was still very low with the business being closed and the housing market was still shocking with nothing to even go and view. He took two months to reply and finally in May he wrote back that we had until summer, autumn at the latest to move on.

Its now September, Lenny is due to go back to school in a few days for his final GCSE year, Mimi is about to set off to London to university, my eldest daughter Betsy is back and settled in Bath working hard, I have viewed one house in a year, it was a shoebox and I had the choice to get rid of around 80% of our belongings to fit into it, or reject it. The idea of telling Lenny he had to get rid of his drum kit and piano and selling most of our furniture to squeeze in, was too much, so I said sorry, no.

Estate agents tell me the situation is horrendous and unprecedented, I am tired of them telling me how my income is too low, how landlords don’t want my cats or my little dog. I am fed up with my landlord for suggesting I move into a shoebox size house and then telling me he’s tried his best to help when I refuse it. I am sick of getting excited when a new listing pops into my inbox on my Rightmove alert, only to be added to a waiting list of 50 other people wanting the house, and the call back that never comes as I’m not an economically viable tenant when you have rich city folk, professional couples and pet less, childless people ahead of you. I’m frustrated with the number of conversations with friends and clients I have, who are in the same boat, what are we supposed to do? What is the answer?

I don’t have the answer, but I did make a decision. I made a decision to give up and so here I am writing this blog, part one in what I hope may eventually be a story with an ending, about how I stopped trying to find a home and instead surrendered myself and my family to the Divine.

The advice of a tree

My lovely new boyfriend and I, snuck away in early August to a beautiful cabin in the woods on the Dartington estate in Devon, for some chill time away from it all.

It was a blissful few days, surrounded by trees and nature, walking through the woods barefoot, wild swimming in the magical River Dart and enjoying some time out. Those few days were a welcome distraction from the ongoing search for a home and the endless frustration about my situation.

On the last morning as we left to return home, we went to say goodbye to the owners and they told us about their own journey from London to Devon and how it had all started with a tree in the woods there. As they too had struggled to find a home, they’d gone to give one of the ancient trees a hug and prayed for help in their search.

They gave us directions to find a clearing where its thought there had once been a settlement, always a sign that the earth energy will be magical as our ancient ancestors always built their homes in areas with strong leylines and earth connection.

Before setting off back to Dorset, we went to find the trees. We soon found the clearing and chose a tree that was calling to us for a big hug. We stood either side and wrapped our arms around. I went into a deep meditation and began to ask the tree for help, guidance or wisdom on what I was supposed to do, how was I going to find somewhere for my family to settle, what would become of us if I didn’t and was there a greater plan that I couldn’t yet see.

I wept tears as I felt tremendous healing energy coming from the tree, a warmth and glow that filled me with a sense of beauty and awe at its powerful flow. The guidance began and was very clear.

Give up.

The tree told me in no uncertain terms, that I needed to completely stop trying, I needed to stop the search, call it off and from that moment onwards I was to cancel my rightmove alerts, stop ringing up estate agents, end the pleas on our local facebook community page for a home and do absolutely nothing.

Surrender.

I cried and cried as I knew that giving up and surrendering really were the only options left available to me. I turned up my palms and let my fingers fall, symbolising the intention to let go of all control, to allow everything to fall from my hands and to completely trust that we will be caught and carried in Love.

A year of trying and dedication to my search had got me nowhere, it was time to hand over the next step in our lives, to the Universe.

The tree told me that the next step had to happen to enable me to be of more ‘use’ to the world with the healing work I do and that I needed to completely allow the path to unfold and flow without fear.

There have been many times over the years where I’ve been asked by Spirit to ‘swear’ my commitment to the healing energy and my work and I went through this commitment prayer again that day, with the tree. In humbleness and selflessness, I committed myself again to my work and to do whatever I could in pure service to the Divine. Accepting that I was not in charge of my destiny, but that I am here to serve and be willing to go wherever and do whatever is needed to fulfil my soul purpose.

I made this prayer with the tree and humbly committed my deep, strong faith that we will be looked after, we always have been and I am absolutely sure that we always will be. If my faith is pure then there is nothing to worry about, I know that whatever happens next, is meant to be and is right, even if it feels wrong, because we are here to learn and no soul ever learnt anything by having an easy time.

The tree gave me no indication of what might happen next, but said that I would be ‘plucked’ from where I am and placed where I should be. We parted ways and I felt stronger, lighter and ready to return home and give in.

If the tree told you then Mum!

On arriving home, I sat the children down and told them what the tree had guided me to do. I admitted that as a single mother, it could be seen as irresponsible, when faced with homelessness and an urgent need to house my family, to call off the search. Beautiful and understanding as ever, they smiled, raised their eyebrows and warmly told me that if the tree told me to do that, they were willing to also put their trust in the process.

Bless them and their courage, their trust and for putting up with me!

As I come to the end of this first part of my story, there is no other news to share. I gave up three weeks ago, I’ve resisted the temptation to check house websites online, if anyone asks me how the search is going I tell them what the tree told me to say ‘God will decide what happens now’ and I feel that so strongly inside, I don’t mind the startled looks and offerings of advice about how I really must try.

I hope to be able to update you all with news soon in Part Two, but who knows, there maybe nothing to report!

In the meantime my landlord may decide to put pressure on, he could begin the legal process of eviction and there could be potential for a lot of stress. I am full of hope and faith, plus a complete letting go of all attachment to outcome, if I can accept the worst, homelessness, sofa surfing, a caravan, a yurt, then I have let go of expectation and nothing can drag me down into despair.

I feel willing to accept that the next step may not be ideal, but that it will be part of a process and as I move onwards through this journey, I hope to let go of ego more deeply, let go of control. let go of thinking I know better than the Divine about what is right for me, I hope to be able to experiment completely within the practice of surrender.

Ishvara Pranidhana – I surrender completely to God.

Absolutely over the moon to have WON BEST YOGA STUDIO in the Muddy Stiletto Award For Dorset & Somerset this summer!!

THANK YOU all so much for voting for Mellulah, it was all down to whoever nominated me and then all of you for taking the time to vote in both rounds.

Its such a delight to have such great news after such a difficult year for Mellulah and all businesses, particularly the rural ones. Its amazing to have been able to keep the business going online as we did and I really did enjoy all the offerings I shared with you during each lockdown. It was wonderful to be able to share the zoom yoga and the healing meditations. I’m so grateful to you all for continuing your practice with me and for coming back now that everything is up and running again.

Its wonderful to see yoga classes packed, the treatment diary chocker and all the retreats fully booked weeks, sometimes months ahead! I just wish I had more time and a few more of me, to have more room for you all to come and chill, its hard having to turn you away now its all gone so busy. Clearly, we are all so much more in need, so much more in tune with how much our wellbeing is a priority and so much more keen to share energy and space together, rather than on our own at home!

Thanks again so much to all my lovely yogis and clients for voting, what would I do without you! Just so glad you all love the yoga and healing as much as I do!

Some amazing Rural Businesses won in this years Muddy Stiletto Award and you can see the full list here 

Reiki II Course coming up in Weds 23rd June with Saira Francis.

I have spaces on this course!! All other Reiki II courses have been full for 2021 so join this one if you can!

The day will run 9.30-6pm from my home at Luccombe Farm in Milton Abbas, the cost is £150, please bring your own lunch and I’ll provide tea and vegan cake from Feed the Soul Cafe…delicious!

On Reiki Level II we will begin connecting deeply to the angels and our guides to open up and begin to channel this sacred energy and learning the reiki symbols. We will work to cut the negative ties with the past so you are a clearer channel for the healing energy, we will learn how to send distant healing using the symbols and how to send healing energy to the Earth.

After this workshop you will be able to freely practise reiki on others as a practitioner, getting insurance etc, once you have completed the 21 day cleansing process that occurs after this workshop.

Please contact me to find out more or have a chat.

See all the other courses I am running for all levels to Reiki Master Teacher 

I am so excited to be back to teaching Reiki Healing Workshops in Dorset after a long 5 year break! I stopped teaching back in 2015 as I just felt so busy running retreats that I didn’t feel I had the energy to offer enough to the Reiki teaching. One of my students who trained with me then, asked me about a year ago if I would teach her the next level Reiki II, I said absolutely no! “I’m too busy and its been too long, I just can’t fit it in anywhere” I said, over and over again. But Jessie wore me down and flattered me with lovely compliments until I said ok just this once!

We booked a date in for January 2020 and I said a prayer to the universe. “If I am meant to start teaching again, then send me the students and I promise I will take it seriously and begin to share the healing energy whole heartedly once more”, of course what happened?! January was full with the maximum I would teach at the moment, 4 lovely students very keen to take their Reiki journeys further. Since then I have been adding in and filling up dates over the coming months.

So that is the story of how I am back to teaching, I surrender to whatever I am meant to be offering others, in full and humble service to the healing Light and wherever it takes me, always listening to guidance and trusting that I am being shown where and how I can serve best.

Get in touch to chat 07809 141815 xx