It fascinates me to try to understand why I stayed. I spent decades in and out of toxic and abusive relationships. The past three years have been devoted to healing, quietly and patiently.
During this time, I’ve engaged in psychotherapy, energy healing, and deep conversations with friends, family, and other women who also stayed, all trying to make sense of why we didn’t leave sooner.
The hardest part of this healing has been realising that it’s still really difficult. Even after years of looking deeply into the shadows of trauma, examining the inner child, unresolved attachment issues, and shadow parts, it can still hurt. I have been drawn not only to understanding the psychological aspects of why we stayed, but also the biology, the brain chemistry, the bodily fear, stress, and anxiety that cannot simply be brushed aside. It can feel all-consuming. By educating ourselves on what these entanglements are and how to heal them, we can understand ourselves better and trust ourselves more fully, to be certain we will never ‘over-stay’ again.
I took it upon myself to research, study, and speak with as many people as I could, clients in my private therapy and yoga practice, friends, and therapists and experts I trust, to explore this paradox. Why didn’t we leave, even when it hurt so much? It seems so simple, just pack up and go. Surely it’s obvious that the situation isn’t loving, kind, or healthy, but yet, we stayed. Weeks, months, even years beyond what might have been considered reasonable to say, “enough is enough.”
What is a trauma bond, and how do we mistake it for love?
A trauma bond can be compared to being hooked on a slot machine. You keep putting coins in because you know that eventually, a win will come. You can sit with all the discomfort and pain of losing, because you believe that reward, that ‘breadcrumb,’ will appear if you just hold out long enough. Like a person addicted to a drug, the trauma-bonded individual feels unable to walk away, compelled to keep returning for that chance of connection, safety, relief, or validation.
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment that develops in relationships marked by cycles of intense highs and lows, often involving fear, stress, or manipulation. Even when a relationship is harmful, the brain can become ‘wired’ to crave the emotional intensity, confusing fear and anxiety with love or connection. This creates a pattern that is difficult to break, and even after the original relationship ends, old wounds can be triggered in new connections, reigniting the same emotional intensity and attachment responses.
Imagine being treated so badly by a parent in childhood, or by a partner in adulthood, that you feel utterly lost and distraught, as though the only person who can take away your suffering is the very person causing it. This creates a toxic and addictive cycle that’s incredibly hard to break.
Psychologists often liken this to ‘Stockholm Syndrome’, a phenomenon named after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm where several hostages developed emotional attachments to their captors. The psychology behind it isn’t hard to understand when we look at the intensity of the chemicals being released into the brain throughout such a tortuous situation: those women truly believed they were going to die. When their captors showed small acts of ‘mercy’ by not killing them, or even by offering comfort, it felt like kindness in contrast to the terror they had just experienced. The sudden relief of survival created a powerful emotional bond with the very people who had endangered their lives.
In trauma bonds, something similar can happen. When abuse is followed by moments of affection, intimacy, apology, or calm, the nervous system clings to those moments as evidence of safety or love. The brain learns to associate the abuser with both pain and relief, which makes the cycle deeply confusing and difficult to leave.
A real life story of how hard healing a trauma bond can be.
I spoke with one client I’ve been working with for several years, and she has given me full permission to share her journey of healing from a deeply ingrained trauma bond. Her story is still unfolding, her boundaries are still emerging and growing stronger, but what surprised me most is that even after many years of being single, doing deep inner work, and receiving support, she still experiences intense suffering when navigating connections with men.
Susan hasn’t yet found a partner or been on a date, but simply forming a new connection with a man has reactivated her trauma bond and reignited her emotional flashbacks very intensely. Her struggle to find grace and balance in her life, and her determination to resolve old wounds and search deeply within herself to let go of the past, inspired me greatly. I wanted to share some of what we discussed here.
Susan and I spent several hours one afternoon going over what was happening to her,
“I realised I had a trauma bond that was getting reactivated not long after I first connected with a new male friend at a book club I started going to in my local village. We got on really well, and he was very attentive, kind, and sweet. We went for coffee and a walk. There was nothing romantic, he never said he liked me or wanted anything from me, so I felt comfortable and safe at first, and I enjoyed the time we spent together.”
I asked Susan to explain how she knew something wasn’t right,
“It was a few weeks into our lovely new friendship, and I realised I was feeling a lot of old energy reactivated within me, it was so uncomfortable and I knew something wasn’t right. I was confused and felt a mixture of high and anxious, which can be natural when you meet someone new, especially with a mutual attraction, but we never spoke of it, so it felt quite mysterious and exciting. I thought I was absolutely fine, but some of my friends were a bit worried about me. They’d seen me go through a complete nervous breakdown a few years previously after a toxic relationship ended, and they were worried. I completely understand that now, and I do wish I’d listened to them.”
To help me understand why Susan felt she had a trauma bond that wasn’t healing, I asked her to reflect on how painful her previous relationships had been,
“I am quite ashamed of how bad my relationships were in the past. Although I understand why I stayed, I also can’t quite believe I did! The worst example was with the man I eventually married, my third husband. I’d been getting ill a lot, really strange, mysterious illnesses that the doctors couldn’t diagnose or understand. I was under a ridiculous amount of stress from my relationship, but I made constant excuses and took the blame for him, he was just horrible to me. He had this awful pattern of leaving me, without warning he’d create an argument or problem I never understood, then just get up, pack the car, and leave and ignore my calls, sometimes for a few days, sometimes a week or more.”
I could see that Susan was still visibly upset as she recounted this painful chapter of her life. She had been married for seven years and had endured countless abandonments and crushing rejections. Caught in the classic narcissistic cycle of love-bombing, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering, the final discard left her homeless, deeply in debt, and emotionally exhausted as a mother of four. The trauma she experienced will take time and patience to fully heal.
Susan believes much of that healing has now taken place, and she’s living a calmer, happier life. Yet it’s difficult to feel truly fulfilled or form new relationships when remnants of the trauma-bond cycle are reactivated each time she reconnects with a man.
She described the dreadful cycle she was trapped in for years, living in constant ‘survival’ mode, highly anxious and never sure when her husband might leave again. She juggled work, children, and her own wellbeing amid relentless uncertainty. Each time she tried to walk away, he would shift: at times suddenly kind and attentive, at others manipulative, even threatening self-harm to draw her back.
Susan’s story is a clear example of an intense trauma bond. Her days were marked by endless inner conflict, the agonising pull between knowing she needed to leave and yearning for the person hurting her to transform back into the loving partner she once believed him to be. The abuser’s constant switching between extremes kept her trapped in a storm of brain chemistry, attachment, and fear. These patterns, and the energetic entanglement they create, can take years and great compassion to unravel.
Although Susan is now safely beyond that painful period, she still notices echoes of the same trauma-bond patterns emerging, even with a new male friend who has given her no real reason to feel stuck.
Susan, now safely away from that incredibly difficult time, is still experiencing the same trauma bond cycle, even though her new male friend has given her no real reason to feel stuck.
“I started to feel the same old feelings coming back,” she told me. “That sense of desperation and fear of being rejected or neglected. It was all-consuming. I couldn’t sleep, and it was all I could talk about with friends and family. I kept asking myself if this was healthy or toxic, if I should stay in the friendship or walk away. Everyone around me was worried, and I could sense it whenever I brought it up.”
Susan explained that she had already been diagnosed with a trauma-related disorder and was managing serious health issues, including adrenal dysfunction and chronic inflammation, which made stress particularly dangerous for her. “I knew I had to be careful,” she said. “But I couldn’t see any actual reason to be afraid. Nothing was happening to justify it. I was feeling really confused about my feelings for this man. It was like I was falling for him, but I also wasn’t really that into him, he didn’t have anything to offer as a partner and it felt so uncomfortable, it felt so similar and painful to men I’d connected with in the past who’d hurt me. None of it made any sense and I was suffering so badly and my health was really becoming an issue again. I wasn’t in a relationship or being abused, yet it felt exactly like when my ex-husband was abusing and neglecting me. It was agonising, and I felt such shame and guilt for feeling that way. I had no idea whether to stay friends or leave and I was petrified of being hurt again, it felt like a never ending loop of heartbreak and confusion. ”
When I delved deeper into Susan’s situation with her new friend, I realised that even though he wasn’t toxic or abusive, there were subtle similarities that could easily activate her old trauma bond pattern and the intense emotional flashbacks she was having that can characterise a trauma disorder. He was inconsistent with communication and often made casual plans that didn’t materialise, which left her feeling uncertain and confused. Although he wasn’t asking her out or showing clear romantic interest, there was gentle flirting and an unspoken spark between them. For someone with wounds like Susan’s, this kind of ambiguity can be deeply unsettling. It’s vital that she builds connections with people who are emotionally safe, boundaried, reliable, and consistent. When clarity is missing, the brain chemistry linked to trauma bonding can be reactivated, creating a toxic mix of stress, anxiety, and longing that deeply impacts the nervous system of a survivor.
The powerful brain chemistry behind trauma bonding.
What Susan was experiencing wasn’t weakness or regression, it was her nervous system replaying an old loop that had once helped her survive horrific situations and suffering. When we experience a trauma bond, powerful brain chemistry is at play. During the highs and lows of a toxic relationship, the body becomes conditioned to cycles of dopamine, cortisol, and oxytocin, the same chemicals involved in reward, stress, and bonding. The unpredictable nature of these relationships creates an addictive pattern, wiring the nervous system to crave the very person or energy that causes distress.
Here’s a simplified breakdown of how the chemistry works:
- Dopamine: Released during moments of reward or excitement, it creates feelings of pleasure and anticipation, making us crave more connection or approval from the person.
- Cortisol: Released during stress or perceived rejection, it triggers anxiety, fear, and hyper-vigilance, keeping the body on edge and heightening emotional responses.
- Oxytocin: The “bonding hormone,” released during connection or intimacy, can deepen attachment, even if the relationship is harmful, making it harder to step away.
Even years later, subtle reminders of past patterns, such as inconsistent communication, mixed signals, or emotional ambiguity, can reactivate this chemistry. The body responds before the mind can reason, creating intense emotions that feel out of proportion to the present situation.
Shifting these patterns begins with awareness, grounding, and creating new neural pathways, which can gradually calm the nervous system and help survivors connect safely without being pulled back into old cycles.
Susan had embarked on another move into deep healing to try to release this chemical reaction so deeply engrained in her brain. She’s currently undergoing EMDR therapy and has also tried using ‘micro-dosing’ with psilocybin to rewire her DMN – Default Mode Network – Amygdala and Pre Frontal Cortex the parts of the brain that can become over active when traumatised. Working on trying to literally create new neural pathways to calm her nervous system, make choices based on clarity when old trauma bond pathways get triggered and find safe, consistent and reliable relationships that are balanced and where she can be truly loved and cared for.
Susan and I talked about how she could try to speak to her new friend about how she was being affected by their interactions, hoping that he might be willing to work with her to support her growth and her healing. It could be that she needs to let her connection go, but as the trauma bond heals it’s possible that life is offering her opportunities to heal and stay open, rather than closing off her heart. Its a delicate balance but with support from professionals and strong boundaries, a willingness to walk away if needed, Susan has every possibility of healing herself long term and finding lasting peace.
What we can do to heal a trauma bond
Trauma bonding can feel like an addiction, and it’s incredibly hard to heal, especially because there is so little understanding of it. Society still holds a lot of shame around relationships that go wrong, and self-blame and misunderstanding can leave many survivors silent about the intensity of the suffering they experience.
Similar to an addict who needs to go cold turkey, survivors like Susan need to stay away from people who reactivate old wounds, at least during the healing period. Letting go of relationships or friendships that are triggering can be challenging, especially when those people haven’t done anything overtly hurtful or abusive. But just as an alcoholic must avoid the bar or the wine aisle until they feel strong enough to manage themselves, trauma-bonded survivors need to spend time with safe, caring, and understanding people. This creates the space necessary for healing, allows the nervous system to recalibrate, and helps the brain return to balance so a healthy future can be built and fully enjoyed.
Imagine your heart is a garden – a healing metaphor
Imagine your heart as a garden you’ve worked hard to tend, a place you want to fill with beautiful blooms that represent love. When someone comes along and offers to help you grow your garden, you might open the gate and let them in.
But if that person begins to neglect your garden, or even damage and abuse what you’ve nurtured, you’ll naturally feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. Now imagine they return later, promising once again to help. Would you let them back in? Would you trust them?
A person caught in a trauma bond often would. They might think, “They’ve come back this must mean everything will be okay now. The garden will finally flourish again.”
What they might not pause to realise is that this same person once trampled the flowers, failed to water the plants, or tore up the roots entirely. The hope for renewal overrides the memory of neglect. And so, instead of protecting the garden, they hand over the tools once more, believing love will fix what love alone cannot.
Healing can take time, but nurturing your own garden, your heart, filling it with love and care for yourself, only allowing in people who really care about you, can demonstrate that in clear, tangible ways and who make you feel supported and safe will lead you to a new path of healing and hope.
Saira x
Resources –
This video explanation by psychotherapist Tim Fletcher is very helpful in understanding what a trauma bond is and what you can do to heal it
Pete Walker explains trauma bonding and trauma responses well in many of his books, videos and online resources, take a look here